...i'm stuck in the office with 18 trainees while over 60 people from my High School batch are having the time of their lives at a lovely resort somewhere in the heart of Bohol where vowels rise in tongues like yeast!
Tell me, why on heavens do I have work on a freakin Saturday evening? :(
Enjoy the Reunion, Trailblazers! Yes, I'm gonna wallow in self - pity 'till the next reunion! *sigh*
P.S
Van Phillip Baton, if you are reading this, I implore all the gods that you keep your mouth shut else you'll deny the day you were freakin born! Believe me, thinking about "it" feels like Atlas bearing the whole world on his shoulders. I kid you not!
I just wanna say...
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!!!
May you're holidays be filled with joy, laughter, food and another year - while not perfect, full of hope and warmth. :)
May you're holidays be filled with joy, laughter, food and another year - while not perfect, full of hope and warmth. :)
Random Sunday
My ears have been bombarded by songs from Dishwalla all day. Boredom was my new friend and so all I could do was listen to music and reminisce. No sleep for this fair maiden. Every moving color, every intricate detail seemed to move me with renewed beauty. "I'm alive again," I secretly uttered. Content was in the air. And so, I flew. And I remember asking my dear readers, "Why do we cry"? During my time of distraught, I asked the fleeting question. Waking moments during ungodly hours of the night, full of reveries -- fear, melancholy and then misery. I thought of forgetting. I thought of digging up a hole and burying the disparity that left this soul scarred and calloused like a weary wench. But despair is never without glee when there is acceptance. And so I taught myself to accept. Numbness at first but everything started to fall into place after much hardship.
At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human.
It's going to be Christmas real soon but it seems like it is going to just an ordinary day for me again... *sigh* well, at least I have another year to look forward to!
* Hah! I started sketching again...
At the moment, let me re-iterate the question. What makes us smile? When we smile, do we not fear that it will only last for a few milliseconds before it disappears into oblivion, forgotten, and never mentioned again? Do we smile because it's for free, knowing that everything in this world costs something? I'm such a fool. I'm such a fool. In this little world, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts. Poor in gifts. Rich in love. Poor in love. Always something to envy our neighbors about. Always something there to appropriate. And it's never enough. Sigh! Maybe this is not for me. Maybe love is not for me. I'm too afraid. I know that I should not torment myself with such cruel contemplations. But this is me. This is human.
It's going to be Christmas real soon but it seems like it is going to just an ordinary day for me again... *sigh* well, at least I have another year to look forward to!
* Hah! I started sketching again...
Hearts, ahoy!
I stare at you every single day. Not only that. Im given the chance to simply get close to you - close enough that I can smell the scent of your being and the sound of your breath. Yes, I wallow in the belief that perhaps you'ld notice this seemingly irreverent actions I do when I am in oblivion with you.
You're soulful eyes, oh how they rock my little world. Your disturbingly attractive features that render me like a candle melting into the night. Those tender lips that make me smile those blues away. Your gorgeous graces and your wicked glances on the sly. Tsk!
Damn, I've got a crush on you! Weeeee...
Yippppeee!!
So look what I got as an early Christmas present?? Yes, these pretty Lacoste (Lacoste, baby!!!) slip ons from my pretty friend, CHLOE... Weeeee...
Oh, how I love friends. Not just for their company but their capacity to make me feel oh, so special... Weeeee....
Thank you, Chloe Marie Amores! My heart is just jumping for joy! I am so well loved.
Merry Christmas everyone!
There. Just right for my size and I couldnt contain the happiness because I've never bought a Lacoste pair for myself considering the price.. But yes, I have it right in front of me... Cunningly beautiful and disturbingly great!
Oh, how I love friends. Not just for their company but their capacity to make me feel oh, so special... Weeeee....
Thank you, Chloe Marie Amores! My heart is just jumping for joy! I am so well loved.
Merry Christmas everyone!
I miss you!
So I went to your floor to visit. I didnt see you at 12 midnight today. I was disappointed to find out that you weren't on your usual spot. You must have transferred, I figured. I found out later today that you're sick. In fact you've been sick for a number of days now. :(
I couldnt ask your friends where you are for reasons we both know. Ours is an oblivious affair to begin with. Clandestine moments and holding hands while no one is watching. It gives me chills down my spine while enjoying every minute of this seemingly anonymous fantasy with you. It's like Cinderella swooning over prince charming - that kind of crap!
I missed you. I've been missing you like crazy the past days but I wouldnt dare text you first. I feel that the coast is not clear all the time and I dont wanna be the cause of you and you're girl's fight. And I swear, I feel like a mad woman on the loose everyday that we are not talking! It is absurd and insane, I know but what can I do? Fact doesnt stand a chance against emotions, anyway.
I've asked myself a million times what will become of us? What will make of these surreptitious longings, these relationship acquired in stealth? Ah, wherever this may lead us, no regrets. In the mean time let me hold on to our vow of secrecy, our unbridled passion, our hopeless state... :(
Damn, I miss you!
*sigh*
360 Degrees!
I am a non conformist. I dont go by the book. I bend laws and break rules. I feel that learning is not just about memorizing theories and figuring out solutions. It's also about laughing, interacting, and exchanging thoughts with the people you're with. My training class is always not a home of docile trainees who obey without question. I always make it a point to create a comfortable environment where my trainees can talk about anything under the sun. They can talk in pidgin english peppered with cebuano every now and then. I'm also the type of trainer who goes to lunch with her trainees anywhere. I hate it when I get introduced to their relatives or friends outside the office as "the trainer" because really, my being a trainer, who commands authority inside the training room rests inside the training room and nowehere else. Yes, I'm cool that way.
But sometimes, your being cool becomes an avenue for complacency. You get abused by people and worse, they suck your energy out. I am pissed big time. Disappointed to say the least. And so, from the cool and candid trainer that I am; I will shift. I will shift to that conventional trainer. That bitchy trainer who makes her trainees' lives miserable. That trainer who has learned to leave his heart locked in the void recesses of her unconsciousness. I will be that trainer who doesnt show empathy.
I will be everyone's worst nightmare!
Monday Rants
Definitely I am not the first one to say that I am sick and tired of what is happening in our country right now. I do not actually want to sound like a damned whiner but things are really frustrating. Compound that exponentially due to all the election brouhaha. The air is thick not only of Metro Cebu's pollution but of pretension and falsity.
I woke up at 1am earlier and decided to surf my heart out. I remembered the HARAPAN: 2010 Presidential Forum which happened a week ago at ABS - CBN. I decided to download the videos and watch it again. What I thought to be a boring Monday dawn sickened me to the core by just listening to some candidates answers . I almost rolled on the floor laughing at Erap's answer when he was asked, "What is one vice or luxury that you cannot live without?" And the answer? "..... ang luho na maglingkod sa mga mahihirap" Hahahahahahaha... And let's save the world from cavities!!! Can't these people understand that this is not a joke that just cracked or a hide and seek game? This is a matter of national security. Good for them, they have riches to splurge into. Seeing such display of wealth, while knowing in the back of my mind that a very good number of the Filipino population does not even have pan de sal on the table that morning, agitated the radical thinker in me. Politicians promise the same things over and over again but assess life right now and you would see that there is no better life for the Filipino, save for the politicians themselves of course, when you see their mansions and luxury cars displayed everywhere...
The grand questions pop up: "When does the politicking stop? When does self gain stop and when does service start?” I remember one of my assertions during the last elections. I remember myself saying, “Screw politicking! Why can’t these candidates realize that running for any office is running for a position of service and NOT self-service at that?” I said those definitely with particular reference to all the issues that surrounded that occasion.
In about a few months time, we notch another mark in our history. I am to exercise my right to suffrage and I am just hopeful (even more idealistic) that my vote ushers in change. However, I am finding it hard to choose who I am to vote for. But yes, Im seriously eyeing on Dick Gordon, Noynoy Aquino, and Gibo Teodoro to be the strong contenders for the post. I were to choose one basing on the forum that I watched, I'd pick Dick Gordon. But still, just a few months before the elections and still, I see no solid platforms.
This makes me think twice about what a friend labels as “futility of circumstance.” She says that the national elections is just a toss-coin decision, either some movie actor wins or someone gets re-elected. It sounds too pessimistic for someone like me as I choose to hope. But in thinking about what is real, some courses of action are indeed futile.
Perhaps in Judeo-Christian tradition we are all hoping for some Messiah to come along. But there is no dice on that. Well, perhaps life really is a gamble. You cast a vote on someone hoping that that person would usher in the ideals that you hope for. In a lapse of three or six years, you would come to a thinking, “Shit, I just got suckered. Sucks to be me!” In that case, it sucks to be us. As a republic, we are all in this together, hell or high costs of living.
Every election time, we drown in every bullshit there is. Is it Utopian to hope for a cleaner and more hygienic governance? When do we stop electing self-serving politicians and start putting public-serving statesmen in positions that would spend taxpayer’s money on us, the Filipino people? But wait, do we even have public servants in the first place? I hope.
Lastly, I'd like to quote Dick Gordon in one of his statements in HARAPAN, "What this country needs is not just a change OF men but a change IN men... we must be a sincerely changed country." So help us God! But in the end, for me, if hope becomes futile, perhaps a revolution is a worthwhile substitute.
I woke up at 1am earlier and decided to surf my heart out. I remembered the HARAPAN: 2010 Presidential Forum which happened a week ago at ABS - CBN. I decided to download the videos and watch it again. What I thought to be a boring Monday dawn sickened me to the core by just listening to some candidates answers . I almost rolled on the floor laughing at Erap's answer when he was asked, "What is one vice or luxury that you cannot live without?" And the answer? "..... ang luho na maglingkod sa mga mahihirap" Hahahahahahaha... And let's save the world from cavities!!! Can't these people understand that this is not a joke that just cracked or a hide and seek game? This is a matter of national security. Good for them, they have riches to splurge into. Seeing such display of wealth, while knowing in the back of my mind that a very good number of the Filipino population does not even have pan de sal on the table that morning, agitated the radical thinker in me. Politicians promise the same things over and over again but assess life right now and you would see that there is no better life for the Filipino, save for the politicians themselves of course, when you see their mansions and luxury cars displayed everywhere...
The grand questions pop up: "When does the politicking stop? When does self gain stop and when does service start?” I remember one of my assertions during the last elections. I remember myself saying, “Screw politicking! Why can’t these candidates realize that running for any office is running for a position of service and NOT self-service at that?” I said those definitely with particular reference to all the issues that surrounded that occasion.
In about a few months time, we notch another mark in our history. I am to exercise my right to suffrage and I am just hopeful (even more idealistic) that my vote ushers in change. However, I am finding it hard to choose who I am to vote for. But yes, Im seriously eyeing on Dick Gordon, Noynoy Aquino, and Gibo Teodoro to be the strong contenders for the post. I were to choose one basing on the forum that I watched, I'd pick Dick Gordon. But still, just a few months before the elections and still, I see no solid platforms.
This makes me think twice about what a friend labels as “futility of circumstance.” She says that the national elections is just a toss-coin decision, either some movie actor wins or someone gets re-elected. It sounds too pessimistic for someone like me as I choose to hope. But in thinking about what is real, some courses of action are indeed futile.
Perhaps in Judeo-Christian tradition we are all hoping for some Messiah to come along. But there is no dice on that. Well, perhaps life really is a gamble. You cast a vote on someone hoping that that person would usher in the ideals that you hope for. In a lapse of three or six years, you would come to a thinking, “Shit, I just got suckered. Sucks to be me!” In that case, it sucks to be us. As a republic, we are all in this together, hell or high costs of living.
Every election time, we drown in every bullshit there is. Is it Utopian to hope for a cleaner and more hygienic governance? When do we stop electing self-serving politicians and start putting public-serving statesmen in positions that would spend taxpayer’s money on us, the Filipino people? But wait, do we even have public servants in the first place? I hope.
Lastly, I'd like to quote Dick Gordon in one of his statements in HARAPAN, "What this country needs is not just a change OF men but a change IN men... we must be a sincerely changed country." So help us God! But in the end, for me, if hope becomes futile, perhaps a revolution is a worthwhile substitute.
The Hardest Job!
You have no idea what I'm dealing with down there! Teeth placement, jaw stress, suction, gag reflex and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breath through my nose. Easy? They don't call it a freaking JOB for nothing.
On Virginity
Yes, I'm a 26 year old virgin and I dont give a rat's ass if you mock me to death. We all have our choices, right? Anyways, I was surfing my way to netsville and came across this anonymous comment posted in one of the forums:
“IF A man truly loves a woman, then he does not care if the woman is still a virgin or not. But if a woman would truly love a man, then she would not give herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.”
I may be shot down for saying this, but I believe that love is just a fleeting emotion — whether it fleets for seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades…
I fall in love every damned day. It doesn’t mean, though, that I want to spend my life with every person — or everything — that I fall in love with. For instance, I am in love with my neighbor’s dog, Sebastian. I say that I am in love because I feel a special joy when I scratch Sebastian’s ears and whisper, “I wuv ya! I wuv ya so much!” I am in love with my friends back home, because even though I’m so far away, their love spans the seas to make me feel like I’m still with them and they’re with me. I am in love with my housemate, though with what particular degree of love, I haven’t really defined yet — I just know that she will always have a special place in my heart. Most surprisingly, I have fallen in love with God, after all those years of spurning His presence in my life. I feel very whole. I may not agree with everything that the Church says I should do with my life, but the love for God is there, and that’s what counts.
I believe that love may appear suddenly, or brew over time. I believe that two people can say that they love each other, without truly meaning what they say, just as two people can go through the rest of their lives loving each other but never having to say that they do.
I believe that for as long as a person decides that he or she truly loves, then he or she truly loves. Period. If that person gives her/himself to another because of that emotion, it should not be taken in judgement against her/him, because it was done in love.
What really irritated me about the comment was the part about the girl not giving “herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.” I’m sorry, but I find this comment absolutely barbaric! I agree with what someone has said: “I refuse to base my value as a human being on a piece of organic tissue!” What should be most valuable is the act of love itself. And so what if that piece of tissue is not present? Most of the time, it just means that the woman has loved before — once again I use “love” as an emotion, and not in the conventional “state of mind” manner. And that she appraised that emotion with the act of love. What could possibly be wrong with that? Forget about the strict rules of the Church. I’m talking about what we inherently believe is right and wrong. If we feel the love, why shouldn’t we show it? Or if we do, why do we get condemned for it? Is it because other people are envious that they cannot do the same?
When Catholic guilt starts infiltrating our definitions of love and our definition of the worth of a human being, there’s obviously something wrong somewhere. Morality isn’t the same as self-righteousness.
The male desire to bed a virgin is all hinged on a sense of machismo. Of conquering uncharted territory. Of owning something that no one ever had. Like dogs peeing on fire hydrants. Or old women buying up limited Faberge eggs. The reason why they want to marry a virgin is because of an inherent insecurity at being compared to past lovers. Of falling short of expectations. Of having to live in the shadow of another man who introduced his wife to the ecstasy of sensual pleasure. It’s a man’s greatest fear. The lack of control and power.
Only shallow men measure love by the tightness of a woman’s vagina and the dryness of her labia at his first touch.
But women aren’t fire hydrants. Nor are they lands to be conquered. Real men know that the value of a woman isn’t automatically diminished when her hymen breaks. The value of a woman isn’t between her legs. It’s in her mind and in her heart.
Love wipes away sin. That’s the one teaching of the Church that I’ll always remember. The other bible-thumping pieces of archaeology, I can do without. On the other hand, love isn’t an easy way out. It’s not an excuse. It shouldn’t come cheaply. But, it doesn’t mean, it shouldn’t come at all.
Because love is an emotion to me, I feel that it should be simple. It’s either there, or it isn’t. It has degrees, but they are measured relatively, depending on the life experiences of the person who’s loving. That why I also believe that no two people can love equally, because no two people have had the same exact life. In effect, when we say that we love someone, the other person may mistake what we mean by “love” for his or her own interpretation of love. The result? Confusion, chaos, havoc, like a Star Trek battle scene between the Enterprise and a Romulan Bird-of-Prey.
At this moment, I can’t count with the fingers of both my hands the number of friends I have who are in the middle of love problems. Honestly, the only problem that they have that I can see from my vantage point is some form of miscommunication. Things are not made clear to all the parties involved. And then they say, “But we love each other, we’ll get through this!” I have to shake my head. Okay, you love each other, and that’s what brought you together. But to stay together, you make a commitment to each other. Therefore, what they should say is “But we are committed to each other, we’ll get through this!” It may not sound as romantic, but it’s as closest to the truth as you’ll ever get. Let’s be honest. When your special someone makes a gross mistake about calling you by the name of an ex-, you’re not exactly feeling the love at that moment. Correct? But because you have felt an intense amount of love for that person in the past, you are willing to talk things over so that you can feel that love again. That’s not love working, that’s commitment.
There’s just too many people in the world, too many life experiences, too many opinions, to actually make one general statement about love. Basta sa akin, kung mahal mo yung isang tao, mahal mo siya. Yun lang yon. But don’t expect that just because you love someone, they owe it to you to love you back. The game isn’t played that way. Relationships come about because two people start to feel love for each other at the same time. If you’re not loved back, then you’re not. But don’t let that stop you from loving that person anyway. You can’t exchange love like it’s money. I guess that’s my point: love is not a commodity. It’s not like “O, love tika ha, dapat you'll love me this way too!” But think about this for a moment. If we could all love without expectations, I think we’d all be happier. That’s what I think.
“IF A man truly loves a woman, then he does not care if the woman is still a virgin or not. But if a woman would truly love a man, then she would not give herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.”
I may be shot down for saying this, but I believe that love is just a fleeting emotion — whether it fleets for seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, decades…
I fall in love every damned day. It doesn’t mean, though, that I want to spend my life with every person — or everything — that I fall in love with. For instance, I am in love with my neighbor’s dog, Sebastian. I say that I am in love because I feel a special joy when I scratch Sebastian’s ears and whisper, “I wuv ya! I wuv ya so much!” I am in love with my friends back home, because even though I’m so far away, their love spans the seas to make me feel like I’m still with them and they’re with me. I am in love with my housemate, though with what particular degree of love, I haven’t really defined yet — I just know that she will always have a special place in my heart. Most surprisingly, I have fallen in love with God, after all those years of spurning His presence in my life. I feel very whole. I may not agree with everything that the Church says I should do with my life, but the love for God is there, and that’s what counts.
I believe that love may appear suddenly, or brew over time. I believe that two people can say that they love each other, without truly meaning what they say, just as two people can go through the rest of their lives loving each other but never having to say that they do.
I believe that for as long as a person decides that he or she truly loves, then he or she truly loves. Period. If that person gives her/himself to another because of that emotion, it should not be taken in judgement against her/him, because it was done in love.
What really irritated me about the comment was the part about the girl not giving “herself just to anyone else because she knows what she will give is special only to that man.” I’m sorry, but I find this comment absolutely barbaric! I agree with what someone has said: “I refuse to base my value as a human being on a piece of organic tissue!” What should be most valuable is the act of love itself. And so what if that piece of tissue is not present? Most of the time, it just means that the woman has loved before — once again I use “love” as an emotion, and not in the conventional “state of mind” manner. And that she appraised that emotion with the act of love. What could possibly be wrong with that? Forget about the strict rules of the Church. I’m talking about what we inherently believe is right and wrong. If we feel the love, why shouldn’t we show it? Or if we do, why do we get condemned for it? Is it because other people are envious that they cannot do the same?
When Catholic guilt starts infiltrating our definitions of love and our definition of the worth of a human being, there’s obviously something wrong somewhere. Morality isn’t the same as self-righteousness.
The male desire to bed a virgin is all hinged on a sense of machismo. Of conquering uncharted territory. Of owning something that no one ever had. Like dogs peeing on fire hydrants. Or old women buying up limited Faberge eggs. The reason why they want to marry a virgin is because of an inherent insecurity at being compared to past lovers. Of falling short of expectations. Of having to live in the shadow of another man who introduced his wife to the ecstasy of sensual pleasure. It’s a man’s greatest fear. The lack of control and power.
Only shallow men measure love by the tightness of a woman’s vagina and the dryness of her labia at his first touch.
But women aren’t fire hydrants. Nor are they lands to be conquered. Real men know that the value of a woman isn’t automatically diminished when her hymen breaks. The value of a woman isn’t between her legs. It’s in her mind and in her heart.
Love wipes away sin. That’s the one teaching of the Church that I’ll always remember. The other bible-thumping pieces of archaeology, I can do without. On the other hand, love isn’t an easy way out. It’s not an excuse. It shouldn’t come cheaply. But, it doesn’t mean, it shouldn’t come at all.
Because love is an emotion to me, I feel that it should be simple. It’s either there, or it isn’t. It has degrees, but they are measured relatively, depending on the life experiences of the person who’s loving. That why I also believe that no two people can love equally, because no two people have had the same exact life. In effect, when we say that we love someone, the other person may mistake what we mean by “love” for his or her own interpretation of love. The result? Confusion, chaos, havoc, like a Star Trek battle scene between the Enterprise and a Romulan Bird-of-Prey.
At this moment, I can’t count with the fingers of both my hands the number of friends I have who are in the middle of love problems. Honestly, the only problem that they have that I can see from my vantage point is some form of miscommunication. Things are not made clear to all the parties involved. And then they say, “But we love each other, we’ll get through this!” I have to shake my head. Okay, you love each other, and that’s what brought you together. But to stay together, you make a commitment to each other. Therefore, what they should say is “But we are committed to each other, we’ll get through this!” It may not sound as romantic, but it’s as closest to the truth as you’ll ever get. Let’s be honest. When your special someone makes a gross mistake about calling you by the name of an ex-, you’re not exactly feeling the love at that moment. Correct? But because you have felt an intense amount of love for that person in the past, you are willing to talk things over so that you can feel that love again. That’s not love working, that’s commitment.
There’s just too many people in the world, too many life experiences, too many opinions, to actually make one general statement about love. Basta sa akin, kung mahal mo yung isang tao, mahal mo siya. Yun lang yon. But don’t expect that just because you love someone, they owe it to you to love you back. The game isn’t played that way. Relationships come about because two people start to feel love for each other at the same time. If you’re not loved back, then you’re not. But don’t let that stop you from loving that person anyway. You can’t exchange love like it’s money. I guess that’s my point: love is not a commodity. It’s not like “O, love tika ha, dapat you'll love me this way too!” But think about this for a moment. If we could all love without expectations, I think we’d all be happier. That’s what I think.
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